He had no idea. In that one day I walked towards him, I set foot on my next prey.
His smell that reeks innocent goodness aggressively numbing my senses, in a manner I've never felt before.
This ungodly hunger, the thought of thousand things I can do to hurt him. I want, to slowly, passionately rip his skin respectfully tear every part of him, bathe in his blood for my youth and lay him on the fire of my vindication.
Like a psychopath's frenzy The detail of his misery imbued in my mind.
For he was the chosen retribution, Too fine for my own personal salvation.
Under these sheets, you were hovering
tightly around my body.
Burying your head
and smelling the grease in my hair,
lazy arms entwined over my breasts.
All of you pressed against my back
as if I were your muse or lover.
I was more than a stone, good as statue.
These displays weren't all too unfamiliar.
I've traipsed to others' bodies before
Unashamed, unfazed of indignity.
No feelings, for nobody else.
To no one, but my beautiful wretched self
I see myself embraced in lust
or love, I couldn't be sure of. I did not, never cared.
Empty, cold, hollowed with my self-damnation.
Not even for lust
Not even for sin.
I watch your eyes
beg for something,
anything.
But
kissing you,
fucking you,
Like grains of rice, she swallowed them. Only the drugs shine in darkness out of fear, anxiety and uncertainty that she had nothing to bear. She burned in the fire of her youth. Many nights she loses it. Exhausted from her innocence, she feasted in frenzy, only with the delusion of love and passion. The drugs burn her head every time nauseous and scared, anxiously waiting. He condemns her for being mindless while he sits in alcohol, inhaling his woman's fume. So she swallowed more after hours of taking four. Google says so, she thought. She calls him up for comfort, only to be damned once more. One day, she starts to bleed a kind of wound she’d been wanting to have countless times. Soon, her worries wane. I thought she saved herself.
But to my dismay, I saw her in a nearby drugstore. Only with the thought that she had lost it again.
*EC- emergency contraception (EC), refers to birth control measures that, if taken after sexual intercourse, may prevent pregnancy.
I lived with coffee and tea While they drank rust From the wretched pipes And planted rice for my kitchen
These men, their souls Poisoned from tarnish, cracked their backs Wrinkled their palms and foreheads Drowned in their sweat from exertion
This struggle that humbled me I looked at my cars, I remember their plows Crumbs for their breakfast and feast for my dinner They, almost bare, while I fancy my closet
Bleeding from the harshness of our inequities I fought with them, for them Envisioned to a cause greater than my life Far from these material hang-ups and consummation
For their wars are far more worthy than my battles Only selflessness and altruism Lead me treading the streets while I burn my skin I cried with them, for them
The road less traveled is a cliché but once, I found it’s more dignified noble and highly priced I cannot look back again
It's the first time that someone I loved very much, died on me. I watched the person wither in front of me little by little as I held her hand very tightly. I didn't wanna leave. I didn't close my eyes even for a wink of sleep. I had to be there until her last breath. I knew that it'll be the last. If I could only breathe for her, take her place for the pain she's been going through, I would've willingly taken the same place, the same bed-that last memory of her.
She wanted to go home, more than anything. I wish we just let her but we couldn't. I had to hold her as if I were handcuffs for her tiny vulnerable purplish wrists. Her veins couldn't take the prick of syringes. Every vein of her that collapses is every vein of my heart that explodes in pain, in ache to see her helplessly suffering while biting her teeth off the excruciation.
I never ever shed a tear for her that time. While she can see me, I could never be weak for her. I had to swallow all the tears back to my stomach. My soul was in great despair. I felt the most pathetic feeling in my life. The last night, I went home. I wish I didn't. I dreamed of her. I wish I didn't wake up.
Oct 26. As I hurried back to the hospital, I received a call. I knew that moment, I felt it already. She did not wait for me. At 9am, she was already in coma, brain dead.At 9:25, she passed away,peacefully, without us even noticing. Maybe, she wanted it that way. Yes, she looked peaceful. I know by looking at her, that before she died, she already let go of all that pain and disappointment she has been going through for many years. She had forgiven them.
I look almost helpless. I don't feel a thing but I feel that cold tears flowing unstoppably from my eyes. I can't feel my heart beating. "Thank you. I love you." I whispered to her and then I kissed her forehead goodbye. It's cold but she's still lovely. It was the last scent of her. I watch as the doctors cover her body with a white cloth, starting from toe to the head. I am not in the soap operas or the movies. It is real but I wish it's not. This is more excruciating than all the greatest pains I have ever experienced.
It's been a year but my heart still stops when I remember her. I can never ever repay her for all the things that she has done for me.
Until now, I'd still wish to see her again and let her know how I've become a great person because of her.
Sometimes you just can't avoid a broken heart. It's funny how our parents tell us everyday not to get ourselves or somebody pregnant but they don't tell us the many other ways how we can get screwed up.
There are a lot of other kinds of pain other than our romantic heartbreak. People out there would hurt us inevitably, most especially and unfortunately, those people whom we really love. Family, friends, career, what we love to do, the things we are into. They're all gonna snap back on us from time to time.
I don't understand really all these feelings that are mixing up inside me. I always chose to be strong despite all the hardships. I know I have to be and I had to for the last 10 years of my life.
But you know, sometimes, you gotta give in to the pain. You gotta let it devour you. Just to check if you're still human, IF AM STILL HUMAN. It so sad that we always just choose to ignore what's hurting us and deprive ourselves from crying, lamenting, and questioning if things are really worth it. It is not so bad to hurt and be weak at one point in our lives. Don't we just envy these little children who don't lie with what they really feel? When they feel pain, they cry for and about it. When they get angry, they get furious without any hesitation. When they are disappointed, they show it like the rest of the world went down with them. Don't you just envy this kind of freedom? I do.
Right now, the only companion we have and the only thing we can turn to is this technology we have and we transmit all our feelings to it, hoping we can get the answers we are looking for, and hoping that it will make us feel better. But it's never ever gonna be better because no matter what we do, we still feel the same.
I feel sorry for myself because I got used to choosing the part where I am always strong, and nothing can bring me down. But it's hard to live this way. It's so hard especially when there are times that you just want to scream and let out all the anger in you. But then again, you are a strong person. Hold on to your damn old lie. It's not easy and i'ts never going to be because the people you love do not make it so easy for you. They have high expectations and they just want you to be the person THEY wanted you to be. The more you get close to their expectations, the more they make the standards higher. So,
...you're always not good enough. Never ever what ever you do. Never ever make a single mistake because it would mean mistakes you made all your life. It's always a make it or break it.
I feel bad that this blog is taken for granted now. Well, just to update, I'm just gonna say that number one, I'm HELLA BUSY right now. My hands are full of thesis, reports, organization and club matter, business affiliations and all other things I try to accommodate in my forever multi-tasking life. My planner is actually bombarded with things to do, every hour, not every day, meaning my world actually got smaller because every now and then, I run after my so little time. I agree with my favorite genius professor that 'Time is an illusion, and there is no such thing as so much time.'
We have been working our thesis but our source of data is little bit fluid because we are dealing with a sensitive topic but it's good that the professors we consulted with are pretty interested about it. I hope we could really pull this off.
Despite the heavy schedule, I don't feel that tired. I guess I'm really used to being tired, sleeping late, weary muscles and it has just gone normal. I have three sports now: sports climbing, tennis and football plus my regular jogging and weight training routines at home. I needed to work out for my sports climbing class because I really wanted to finish all those hard walls. Last training at football, I got left leg strained but it's good that it was not that bad.
So there, I train for tennis on Monday mornings, and for football during Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays afternoon, and a two hour sports climb during Fridays afternoon. During my free time and breaks, I go and research at the library, thesis matters but most of the times, I just fall asleep because of the aircon haha. I also joined another three more organizations. Good luck to me.
And then, I'm taking Math right now and it's just a mental breakdown moment because I haven't had Math for the last three years. When I see numbers, my brain juices just evaporate but I'm having so much fun with my two major classes, the subject for teaching and about language and gender, because the professors are just so amazing and smart.
Enough academics, aside from that, I've been maximizing all my resources and sources for money-making. Yes, money-making. I'm having an allowance deficit now because of so many things to pay for-readings, application fee, photocopies, tickets, and Eclipse movie haha plus I have debts to pay. Yes! This is me now having debts which is like so impossible to happen but yes so now apart from my business affiliations, I'm considering taking another job and I hope I can still do it.
These all seem so laborious but I know it's just ordinary for a lot of people especially in my school. I guess it's just that I was reared to be an overachiever much, or what Bob Ong has called in his book as 'Anak ni Rizal' and funny because I actually have time to blog all these.
Now, I have nothing on my mind but to pull everything off, well a little having fun time would do (ie, I watched Eclipse twice hehe), but ultimately, all these and more need mental and physical orgasm all the way.
He had no idea. In that one day I walked towards him, I set foot on my next prey.
His smell that reeks innocent goodness aggressively numbing my senses, in a manner I've never felt before.
This ungodly hunger, the thought of thousand things I can do to hurt him. I want, to slowly, passionately rip his skin respectfully tear every part of him, bathe in his blood for my youth and lay him on the fire of my vindication.
Like a psychopath's frenzy The detail of his misery imbued in my mind.
For he was the chosen retribution, Too fine for my own personal salvation.
Under these sheets, you were hovering
tightly around my body.
Burying your head
and smelling the grease in my hair,
lazy arms entwined over my breasts.
All of you pressed against my back
as if I were your muse or lover.
I was more than a stone, good as statue.
These displays weren't all too unfamiliar.
I've traipsed to others' bodies before
Unashamed, unfazed of indignity.
No feelings, for nobody else.
To no one, but my beautiful wretched self
I see myself embraced in lust
or love, I couldn't be sure of. I did not, never cared.
Empty, cold, hollowed with my self-damnation.
Not even for lust
Not even for sin.
I watch your eyes
beg for something,
anything.
But
kissing you,
fucking you,
Like grains of rice, she swallowed them. Only the drugs shine in darkness out of fear, anxiety and uncertainty that she had nothing to bear. She burned in the fire of her youth. Many nights she loses it. Exhausted from her innocence, she feasted in frenzy, only with the delusion of love and passion. The drugs burn her head every time nauseous and scared, anxiously waiting. He condemns her for being mindless while he sits in alcohol, inhaling his woman's fume. So she swallowed more after hours of taking four. Google says so, she thought. She calls him up for comfort, only to be damned once more. One day, she starts to bleed a kind of wound she’d been wanting to have countless times. Soon, her worries wane. I thought she saved herself.
But to my dismay, I saw her in a nearby drugstore. Only with the thought that she had lost it again.
*EC- emergency contraception (EC), refers to birth control measures that, if taken after sexual intercourse, may prevent pregnancy.
I lived with coffee and tea While they drank rust From the wretched pipes And planted rice for my kitchen
These men, their souls Poisoned from tarnish, cracked their backs Wrinkled their palms and foreheads Drowned in their sweat from exertion
This struggle that humbled me I looked at my cars, I remember their plows Crumbs for their breakfast and feast for my dinner They, almost bare, while I fancy my closet
Bleeding from the harshness of our inequities I fought with them, for them Envisioned to a cause greater than my life Far from these material hang-ups and consummation
For their wars are far more worthy than my battles Only selflessness and altruism Lead me treading the streets while I burn my skin I cried with them, for them
The road less traveled is a cliché but once, I found it’s more dignified noble and highly priced I cannot look back again
It's the first time that someone I loved very much, died on me. I watched the person wither in front of me little by little as I held her hand very tightly. I didn't wanna leave. I didn't close my eyes even for a wink of sleep. I had to be there until her last breath. I knew that it'll be the last. If I could only breathe for her, take her place for the pain she's been going through, I would've willingly taken the same place, the same bed-that last memory of her.
She wanted to go home, more than anything. I wish we just let her but we couldn't. I had to hold her as if I were handcuffs for her tiny vulnerable purplish wrists. Her veins couldn't take the prick of syringes. Every vein of her that collapses is every vein of my heart that explodes in pain, in ache to see her helplessly suffering while biting her teeth off the excruciation.
I never ever shed a tear for her that time. While she can see me, I could never be weak for her. I had to swallow all the tears back to my stomach. My soul was in great despair. I felt the most pathetic feeling in my life. The last night, I went home. I wish I didn't. I dreamed of her. I wish I didn't wake up.
Oct 26. As I hurried back to the hospital, I received a call. I knew that moment, I felt it already. She did not wait for me. At 9am, she was already in coma, brain dead.At 9:25, she passed away,peacefully, without us even noticing. Maybe, she wanted it that way. Yes, she looked peaceful. I know by looking at her, that before she died, she already let go of all that pain and disappointment she has been going through for many years. She had forgiven them.
I look almost helpless. I don't feel a thing but I feel that cold tears flowing unstoppably from my eyes. I can't feel my heart beating. "Thank you. I love you." I whispered to her and then I kissed her forehead goodbye. It's cold but she's still lovely. It was the last scent of her. I watch as the doctors cover her body with a white cloth, starting from toe to the head. I am not in the soap operas or the movies. It is real but I wish it's not. This is more excruciating than all the greatest pains I have ever experienced.
It's been a year but my heart still stops when I remember her. I can never ever repay her for all the things that she has done for me.
Until now, I'd still wish to see her again and let her know how I've become a great person because of her.
Sometimes you just can't avoid a broken heart. It's funny how our parents tell us everyday not to get ourselves or somebody pregnant but they don't tell us the many other ways how we can get screwed up.
There are a lot of other kinds of pain other than our romantic heartbreak. People out there would hurt us inevitably, most especially and unfortunately, those people whom we really love. Family, friends, career, what we love to do, the things we are into. They're all gonna snap back on us from time to time.
I don't understand really all these feelings that are mixing up inside me. I always chose to be strong despite all the hardships. I know I have to be and I had to for the last 10 years of my life.
But you know, sometimes, you gotta give in to the pain. You gotta let it devour you. Just to check if you're still human, IF AM STILL HUMAN. It so sad that we always just choose to ignore what's hurting us and deprive ourselves from crying, lamenting, and questioning if things are really worth it. It is not so bad to hurt and be weak at one point in our lives. Don't we just envy these little children who don't lie with what they really feel? When they feel pain, they cry for and about it. When they get angry, they get furious without any hesitation. When they are disappointed, they show it like the rest of the world went down with them. Don't you just envy this kind of freedom? I do.
Right now, the only companion we have and the only thing we can turn to is this technology we have and we transmit all our feelings to it, hoping we can get the answers we are looking for, and hoping that it will make us feel better. But it's never ever gonna be better because no matter what we do, we still feel the same.
I feel sorry for myself because I got used to choosing the part where I am always strong, and nothing can bring me down. But it's hard to live this way. It's so hard especially when there are times that you just want to scream and let out all the anger in you. But then again, you are a strong person. Hold on to your damn old lie. It's not easy and i'ts never going to be because the people you love do not make it so easy for you. They have high expectations and they just want you to be the person THEY wanted you to be. The more you get close to their expectations, the more they make the standards higher. So,
...you're always not good enough. Never ever what ever you do. Never ever make a single mistake because it would mean mistakes you made all your life. It's always a make it or break it.
I feel bad that this blog is taken for granted now. Well, just to update, I'm just gonna say that number one, I'm HELLA BUSY right now. My hands are full of thesis, reports, organization and club matter, business affiliations and all other things I try to accommodate in my forever multi-tasking life. My planner is actually bombarded with things to do, every hour, not every day, meaning my world actually got smaller because every now and then, I run after my so little time. I agree with my favorite genius professor that 'Time is an illusion, and there is no such thing as so much time.'
We have been working our thesis but our source of data is little bit fluid because we are dealing with a sensitive topic but it's good that the professors we consulted with are pretty interested about it. I hope we could really pull this off.
Despite the heavy schedule, I don't feel that tired. I guess I'm really used to being tired, sleeping late, weary muscles and it has just gone normal. I have three sports now: sports climbing, tennis and football plus my regular jogging and weight training routines at home. I needed to work out for my sports climbing class because I really wanted to finish all those hard walls. Last training at football, I got left leg strained but it's good that it was not that bad.
So there, I train for tennis on Monday mornings, and for football during Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays afternoon, and a two hour sports climb during Fridays afternoon. During my free time and breaks, I go and research at the library, thesis matters but most of the times, I just fall asleep because of the aircon haha. I also joined another three more organizations. Good luck to me.
And then, I'm taking Math right now and it's just a mental breakdown moment because I haven't had Math for the last three years. When I see numbers, my brain juices just evaporate but I'm having so much fun with my two major classes, the subject for teaching and about language and gender, because the professors are just so amazing and smart.
Enough academics, aside from that, I've been maximizing all my resources and sources for money-making. Yes, money-making. I'm having an allowance deficit now because of so many things to pay for-readings, application fee, photocopies, tickets, and Eclipse movie haha plus I have debts to pay. Yes! This is me now having debts which is like so impossible to happen but yes so now apart from my business affiliations, I'm considering taking another job and I hope I can still do it.
These all seem so laborious but I know it's just ordinary for a lot of people especially in my school. I guess it's just that I was reared to be an overachiever much, or what Bob Ong has called in his book as 'Anak ni Rizal' and funny because I actually have time to blog all these.
Now, I have nothing on my mind but to pull everything off, well a little having fun time would do (ie, I watched Eclipse twice hehe), but ultimately, all these and more need mental and physical orgasm all the way.
I'm Gixx. I started this blog two years ago when I tried to go about my insanity through documenting my musings in the night. I am now 21, graduate, again studying in law school, and I am still floating and fleeting from my existence and unconventional personality and way of living.
I maintain at least five websites but this is where I write about anything random. I read a lot of books. I love travel and I'm a sucker for zeal and wisdom.
I like to take risks. And that's where I learn. Then I write.
This blog space is owned, managed and updated by MARIA GICEL T CAMBRI. Unless with prior permission, no portion of the contents may be directly or indirectly copied, published, reproduced, modified, displayed, sold, transmitted, published or redistributed in any medium. I mean it.
Encodegixx@2010
